TRUMP TAKES ALABAMA BY STORM!

Today President Donald Trump visited Alabama, ostensibly to back republican hopeful, “Big Luther Strange,” in a highly contested race to fill the seat left vacant by Jeff Sessions.

The seemingly endless, ad-lib speech opened with Trump’s new smash hit single, “Rocket Man,” which was very well received.  A somewhat tired, but nonetheless cherished version of “Crooked Hillary,” was then followed by a heart-warming rendition of, “Lock Her Up!” to the delight of the crowd.  Finally, before getting to the meat of the performance, was a spirited take on, “Dishonest Media.”

In the ten minutes (out of the hour and a half speech) spent on the object of this gathering, Luther Strange, the president related a story about how “Big Luther” was inexplicably loyal to him, despite explaining how they never met.  Then came the touchstone moment in which Donald Trump explained to the enthralled masses, exactly what it means to be loyal in this impressive word salad:

“We have to be loyal in life.  You know, there’s something called loyalty…with these fump[sic].  And I could have made a mistake and I’ll be honest.  I might have made a mistake.  Because, you know, here’s the story.  If Luther doesn’t win, they’re not going to say we picked up 25 points in a very short period of time.  They’re going to say, <authoritative voice>“Donald Trump, the President of the United States, was unable to pull his candidate, across the line.  It is a terrible, terrible moment for Trump.  This is total embarrassment.”  I mean these are bad people.  And by the way, both good men, both good men. And you know what, and I told Luther, I have to say this.

If his opponent wins, I’m going to be here campaigning like hell for him. But, I have to say this, and you understand this, just look at the polls. Luther will definitely win. No. You know what I’m saying.  Roy has a very good chance of not winning…in the general election.  It’s all about the general, don’t forget we don’t stop here.  You have an election coming up the day this is over, so this is over on Tuesday, on Wednesday morning, the new race begins.  You gotta beat a Democrat.  Luther’s gonna win easily and Roy’s gonna have a hard time winning, but I will be backing him if he wins.  I will be backing him, ok?  I’ll tell you that.”

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